My Motherhood Journey

Happy Mother's Day!  
I hope this day finds you all relaxing and enjoying breakfast in bed.  If not, maybe at least a sticky hug or two!  :-)  

I wasn't going to write anything.  But then I felt the desire to write about my own journey of motherhood.

From the age of 10 I knew I wanted to be a mother.  I would create imaginary families, write and rewrite and rewrite lists of names (I don't think I've used any of them...yet), and be sure I was holding a baby at every church function.  The desire for motherhood has just always been a part of me. 

I used to think that everyone should be a mother, and if they weren't they were crazy!  I also used to think every woman wanted to be a mother.  Until I met Barb  (I hope you don't mind my sharing a bit of this, friend).  From her I learned that sometimes it takes drastic events to lead others not only into motherhood, but into the LOVING of motherhood. 

Again, I thought everyone was crazy to not have children.  Until one of my best friends  from high school began a road of challenges where motherhood was concerned.  And I began to witness other desirous women struggling.

Fortunately, both stories have had beautiful and happy endings (or beginnings, however you want to look at it).  And fortunately, I have matured a little bit and no longer do the judging.

Motherhood is hard.  I seemed to be right in my element with baby number one.  Even though he was 2 months early, I was in complete extacy.  Then came baby number two, also premature but not as early.  Suddenly it seemed I had no clue what I was doing!  After all, JW was in the NICU for 3 1/2 weeks, he came home "trained."  Now I was all on my own with a newborn and a toddler.  I vividly remember the day I was trying to nurse my crying baby, my 18 month old standing in front of me crying, and me crying because I was so tired!

Still, despite feeling crazy, the impression came that baby #3 needed to join our family.  Blessings came and our home was filled with more peace and joy.

After realizing job option number one was not going to work out, my husband decided to begin work on his masters degree.  Completely fine with the plan and happy with my three little ones, we decided to "wait" awhile before having another child.  Well, as plans always go...they don't.  The Lord obviously knew what we needed.  :-) 

Then came number 5 and I went a little bit crazy.  Well, a lot crazy.  Though I LOVED having my kids close and really did want to have more children, I knew that five ages 7 and under was just too much.  I was suddenly caught in the middle of diapers, sibling rivalry, messes, and a husband who needed more than I could give!  I was stuck. 

It was during the next two or three years that I had to rediscover the true joys of motherhood.  It was during that time that I realized I was truly living my dream, I chose these children, and I chose motherhood over all other tantalizing options.  It was also through those moments of mayhem that I learned there was no way to get out of the rut than relying whole-heartedly upon the Lord. 

Motherhood is still hard.  As the kids get older, the hardness gets different... at times, more painful.  There are days when I would love to go back to those early years when life was a bit more simple.  But for now, I'm going to enjoy each Mother's Day as it comes along.  Why?  Because it's who I am.  I'm okay and want to be defined simply as... A Mother.