Motherhood was not Wrong Messaging

Something I have heard a lot recently is, “I don’t know if I chose to have children and be a mother because of all the messaging I’ve heard my whole life or if it’s what I really wanted.” 

I’m here to tell you: 

Motherhood was not wrong messaging!

From the time I was 10 years old, I remember wanting to be a mother.  I would walk around with my baby dolls and had lists and lists of baby names going all the time.  I probably had more dreams of becoming a mother than finding that special someone to marry (though I was quite boy crazy as well).  

Fast forward 25 years with that desire in my heart and I still have found myself asking the question, “Is this really what I wanted?” I have had midlife questions like, “why did I” and “what now?”  I’ve struggled with thoughts of “it’s too late” and “I sacrificed everything” and “if only…”.  I can see how easy it would be to believe that I must have heard the wrong messages in order to be where I am today. From what I can see in many mothers my age (especially those who chose to be home with their children full time) this is totally normal. This is not a sign of wrong or false messaging — from our own mothers, from our church culture, from world culture, from nobody.  

Motherhood was not wrong messaging. Motherhood is still not wrong messaging. 

Yes, motherhood was talked about a lot over the pulpit.  In the 80’s and 90’s there was heavy emphasis placed on mothers staying home with their children.  We had a pretty vocal prophet and other leaders talking about what a mother “should” be.  So, yes, there was a blatant message of motherhood out there.  However, was this wrong?  I don’t think so. Mothers are a huge strength to society and need to rise up to that role. 

And yes, there were some negative side affects from such teachings.  Judgements were created and a battle between working mom and stay-at-home moms began.  These teachings didn’t necessarily create a warm and tolerant environment for mothers. But were these teachings wrong? No. Because motherhood is not wrong messaging. 

Each generation knows some things and not others

Blaming our choices on wrong messaging is not helpful.  Judging our past decisions based on what we know now is not indicative of wrong messaging. 

Each generation was given certain lessons or taught certain things.  For example, I received the message that birth control is bad or wrong. Now that I have had several children, experiences of my own with birth control and heard the stories of friends surrounding birth control, I know what I internalized was not true.  We simply have learned more. Therefore, my decision to not go on birth control was not wrong.  Not knowing is different than teaching the wrong thing.  With new knowledge we can make a different choice or keep the same choice, just with more understanding around our choices.  

I do look back and think, “Why did I have my children so close together?” I want to caution my own children to take their time and not feel rushed, because once you’re a parent you’re never not a parent.  And yet, did I do it wrong? And is this what I really want to teach them?  I wanted to be a mother and have children. Lessons were learned and now my children get to make their own choices with what they know…or don’t know. It’s just life! 

Midlife Motherhood Questions 

What we’re really asking ourselves is, “Did I do what I was meant to do with my life?”  This is a midlife question. And so, instead of thinking backward and blaming your choices on wrong messaging, let’s ask more helpful questions. 

Why did I choose to be a mother and stay home with my children? 

What would I want to do instead? Do I really want that and all the work involved in getting there? 

What am I missing in my life that I can add? 

What will make me feel fulfilled as a mother and also as an individual? 

Simply put: the questions that come up in midlife motherhood are normal and not a sign that we bought into the idea that we were falsely informed.  These questions can lead us to action rather than sitting in dissatisfaction. If you are second-guessing your choices, maybe now is the time to answer these questions and create the life you still want! 

You chose your children.  You chose the life you are now living.  You now get to choose what comes next!  That can be scary and emotional and so dumb! But it can also be exciting and liberating.  As a friend recently told me, “There is a lot of life to live.”  Spending this first half of your life doing what you did was most likely not because of wrong messaging, it is what you truly wanted.  

I am a champion of women. I love encouraging women to follow every opportunity they desire.  I love the life I’ve lived and am grateful for the personal journey motherhood put me through, even though it has been full of challenges.  I’m grateful for the next twenty or so years beyond child-bearing and raising years to explore more for myself, while also being available to the people I brought into this world. 

Don’t begrudge where you are today because of the choices you made yesterday.  This is where you are! Embrace it and empower yourself to take that next step in the journey! Because there truly is a lot of life to live! 

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“As long as you allow these voices to chisel away at your soul, you can’t approach the throne of God with real confidence. Whatever you do, whatever you pray for, whatever hopes for a miracle you may have, there will always be just enough self-doubt chipping away at your faith—not only your faith in God but also your confidence in yourself. Living the gospel in this manner is no fun, nor is it very healthy. Above all, it is completely unnecessary! The decision to change is yours—and yours alone.”  — Elder Jörg Klebingat, CR Oct. 2014