What do you Want? (Part 3)

This topic keeps coming back to me! (see Part 1 and Part 2)

I just listened to an episode on Hidden Brain where Ken Sheldon spoke on this exact topic! Why is it so hard to determine what we want? 

Sheldon says the main problem is that we are asking ourselves the wrong questions, or no questions at all.  We are not aligning what we think we want with what we value most.  He says we have so many voices telling us what’s best for us — our parents, social media, the culture, our religious leaders — so that when we go to determine what we want we just don’t know. 

I have had so many thoughts about making life decisions recently. My daughter called me the other day with a whole new plan for her degree.  She went through all the reasons why she thought this was a good idea and yet at the same time totally doubting the new plan.  

“I just don’t know what to do with my life!” She bemoaned. 

I laughed and told her, “Listen, I am asking myself the same questions at the age of 46, so whatever you decide today it’s not going to determine your whole life. You just need to make a choice and run with it.”

 She countered, “But I don’t even know what I want!” 

To which I replied, “Yes, you do.” 

Three Stages of Knowing What we Want

That’s pretty much what I got from Dr. Sheldon — the idea that we do know what we want, we just have to listen! 

Sheldon talks about three stages we go through in figuring out what we want. 

Stage 1: Preparation — ask questions!  

Maybe something feels like it’s missing in your life, something is “off.”  Simply asking the question, “Is this what I want?” or “What do I want instead of this?” When we ask ourselves questions our mind goes to work trying to solve the problem. Our brain does not like incongruent. The brain wants answers!  So, it will go to work on any question we pose. 

Stage 2: Illumination 

While our brain is subconsciously still working on the problem, images will pop up in our mind. These images come up as ideas or memories that brought us happiness in the past.  This is where we want to pay attention and listen! What answers is our brain coming up with? 

Stage 3: Verification — an Ah-Ha moment!  

Donovan brought a book home from school called, The Smart Cookie.  This book explains the third stage perfectly!  The story is of one little cookie searching for his “Ah-Ha! Moment.” When he discovers what he wants he exclaims, “Ah-Ha!” And continues to have multiple Ah-Ha’s the rest of the book. 

We go around trying to do what we think we’re supposed to do or whatever everyone else is doing and yet may continuously be searching for that “ah-ha!” feeling. This is that moment when we recognize that our wants match with our values and this leads us to our actions! 

Where can we get stuck? 

Some people will stop with asking questions. J is always telling the kids, “When you have a question, answer it! Don’t ignore it.”  Maybe we think, “Heavenly Father put me here, so this is what I’m ‘supposed’ to do.” The tricky part is that there is some truth to that!  If we believe we are co-creators with God, then yes, He is involved in where we are today.  However, if there’s still a nagging feeling that something isn’t “right” then maybe there isn’t!  

Some will have the illuminations and stay there. The thoughts, ideas, memories and dreams stay right there in the brain. Sometimes we may notice them, sometimes we won’t.  There are so many reasons to not hear or ignore illuminations away.  We push these thoughts away because we don’t think our thoughts are valid or someone tells us it’s a bad idea or we are too busy with the life happening right in front of us.  Maybe we even start to make baby steps only to get interrupted by both expected and unexpected life circumstances causing us to say, “Well, maybe not.” 

Once we can truly listen and start making steps to validating our illumination, that’s when the Ah-Ha moment happens!  It’s is the best feeling ever! When you realize that what you’re wanting to do is in perfect alignment with your values.  Sheldon then talks about the “Rubicon of Decision” — the moment we actually make a choice.  Once we make our decision the brain acts very differently.  Instead of doubting and questioning, we simply start to act with conviction and confidence. 

What if you’re just fine where you are? 

Maybe you’re reading this and think, “I’m actually quite content with my life.” That’s great!  Not everyone feels that pecking that life isn’t what they’d hoped.  You could be like one of my clients who asked the question, “What am I supposed to do next” and after some thought and conversation she realized that she is already doing a lot right now.  She still had beautiful, big dreams for the future, but her Ah-Ha was, “I am doing a lot and it’s what I want!” 

That is such a good feeling! 

So, maybe you do know what you want and you’re doing it right now!  That’s awesome! 

The Goal: Mindful Awareness 

However, if you have a nagging thought that there must be something more, ask the question….and then listen…and then act! You might have to listen for a really long time. That’s okay. Once you listen it might take a long time to act. That’s okay, too!  The goal is not to quit your day job and track across the world. The goal is to become more mindful. To be aware of the life you are free to choose!  

What’s funny is that this 3-part series on  “What Do You Want?” is a perfect illustration of this three-stage model.  In my first essay I was asking the question.  In the second one I was trying to listen. This third essay comes just when I’m ready to act with conviction, making my dreams more of a reality.  

Ah-Ha!! 

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“Everything you want is out there waiting for you to ask. Everything you want also wants you. But you have to take action to get it.”  — Jules Renard