Motherhood: It’s About You, Not Them

 

Perhaps you have heard the phrase that we are only as happy as our most unhappy child. I have seen that this does not need to be the case. My 94-year-old mother has over 200 living descendants. At any given point, at least one of the 200 is going to be unhappy. If this statement were true, my mother would be in a perpetual state of unhappiness, which she isn’t. Those who know her know how joyful she is.

— Elder John A. McCune 

I was so excited to hear this statement in General Conference a couple of weeks ago! As mothers, we cannot base our happiness on the choices, joy or misery of our children.  I truly believe that is not what our Heavenly Parents desire for us.  Honestly, that sounds more like that adversary’s plan who wants others to be as miserable as himself! 

No, I have truly come to understand and believe it is a mother’s role to model happiness, not expect her children to provide her with happiness. 

I’ve also struggled with the saying, “When mom isn’t happy, no one is happy.” I used to think that was so unfair!  To me, that statement meant I wasn’t “allowed” to ever be grumpy or sad or unmotivated, I always had to be happy.  Also, on the flip side, I felt like that was just a manipulative statement for husbands and children to always make sure mom is happy — as though that were their job! So, this statement has never sat well with me. 

I have a different perspective these days. Let me try to explain… 

M. Catherine Thomas has stated it this way: “It seems that when Mother gets better, everyone in the family gets better.”  Again, as mothers we can feel the pressure of this statement! “So, now their happiness is all based on my happiness?” 

Well, yes, and no.  

Thomas goes on to say, “We may think we bear the whole load of another’s salvation and forget that every person is a child of God and has his own personal Savior.” So, no, we are not responsible for their complete happiness or salvation.  However, we do have a responsibility to set the example of happiness.  This does not mean putting on a smile every day and “being happy.” This does not mean our house is clean all the time, you’re always speaking in a pleasant tone, nor that if we aren’t happy all the time then our children are doomed to fail in life.  (This is worldly perfectionism, not God’s). 

Psychologist Erich Fromm says it this way, “Mother has the function of making [her child] secure in life…Mother should have faith in life, hence not the overanxious, and thus infect the child with her anxiety…A mother must not only be a ‘good mother’ but a happy person…Mother’s love for life is as infectious as her anxiety is.” 

What this means to me 

Oftentimes we worry as mothers. “Is my child going to be smart enough, cool enough, pretty enough… to make it in this super competitive world?” We worry that we’re not teaching them enough or loving them enough or disciplining them enough or listening to them enough.  We become overly anxious about their well-being that we forget to take care of our own. 

And yet, the answer I have come to is that when Mom is confident, compassionate, courageous, and curious our kids will be, too.  When we have the question, “How do I get my child to read their scriptures more?” We need to ask ourselves, “Am I reading mine?” Of course, they will not follow immediately and grab their Bible whenever they see their mother studying hers. No, it’s not really that easy.  However, the example will be there in the memories of our children. 

Likewise, when a mother has her own interests and personal pursuits, the kids notice that!  When Mom has a life and love of her own, this naturally builds confidence in children to do the same.  When Mom works on her own emotional healing and discovers self-love and self-acceptance, she has so much more love to acceptance to give to her children.  

So, I do agree with M. Cathrine Thomas, “When Mother gets better, everyone in the family gets better.” I have witnessed this in my own life. During several years of my struggle with depression, our family suffered. There was more contention and more pain inflicted than necessary. As I have taken the time to heal (years!) I have noticed a difference in our home and how I show up as a mom.  

No Shame Allowed 

I’m not saying this to invoke more stress and anxiety for mothers. The last thing I hope anyone goes away with in reading this is, “Dang it! I don’t have my own pursuits.” Or “Now my kids are really going to be messed up because of my lack of confidence.” Motherhood in and of itself will naturally bring out our insecurities, our vulnerabilities and our shortcomings.  No mother will ruin their child’s chance of salvation. Hopefully, this comes more as a call to take care of ourselves by fostering love and compassion because that will bless our children more than any “teaching” we provide. 

* * * * * 

You are doing God’s work. You are doing it wonderfully well. 

He is blessing you and He will bless you, even—no, especially—when your days and your nights may be the most challenging. 

President Jeffrey R. Holland